This statement was in a show I have watched. Marco Polo on Netflix. I have seen a few of the episodes, but on this particular one The Great Khan said that statement. I must become the man I wish my father was. That is a paraphrase not a direct quote of the show. However, that line meant something to me. It spoke the truth. We as fathers must be the man we wished our fathers were. If we want to be a great example for our sons and daughters then we must show them the way, and not just tell them. It is completely important to be what we want from our kids. Kids are little mirrors of us. If we are drunk all the time, they will see this. They will know that you were not there when you were supposed to be, you were drunk instead. They will know that you are a hollow man. A walking skin fr them to see and talk with but not ever engage with.
What was silent in the father speaks in the son, and often I found in the son the unveiled secret of the father. ~Friedrich Nietzsche
It is up to you to see yourself objectively. Ask yourself this question –
If I was witnessing my son behave in this manner and act as I am, would it make me proud of him?
If the answer to that is yes then you should continue on that path.
You also must not believe that it only matters what you are doing and how you behave when they are in the room so to speak. Just because they cannot see and hear you does not mean they cannot pick up on your behaviors and the results of those behaviors. They can see when you are and asshole to those around you, or if you are respected by your peers. Your childre will be able to tell if you are living a life worth living. Most importantly they will be copying you, even if you tell them otherwise. Even if you look at them and use the ol saying “do as I say not as I do”.
You cannot expect more from your children than you expect from yourself. It is not reasonable. If you are fat and lazy but you make them exercise all day and do chores they will resent your laziness. They may grow up and be skinny hard workers but they will hate you. They will wish for other parents.
You must follow the rules you set out for your children. Especially the same sex child. If you are the father and they your son, you cannot tell them to read while you stay up all night playing video games and jerking off to porn. If you want them to respect their mother you must respect her as well. They, will treat her as they see you treating her. They will do as they are shown.
If you look at abusers, no doubt in my mind that they did not enjoy being treated that way as a child. That they did not enjoy being hit or name called or even molested by someone that was supposed to love them and care for them. Here is evidence. that they more often become abusers than people who were not abused as a child. I do not know why we often do as we were shown and not what we think is right, but it happens.
Tiger father begets tiger son. ~Chinese Proverb
In my case my father drank too much, he didn’t hit us or sexually abuse us in any way but he did drink and treat my mother with very little respect. I, to this day have very little respect for my mother and also little respect for women in general. Almost as if I expect all women to fail at what ever they do. I am also very rarely wrong in my expectations. I often see the women in my life fail, and see them asking for or demanding little respect from anyone. I went through a period where I drank too much, when I showed no respect to my loved ones and none to my fiance. I have changed a lot but still continue to see the remnants of that behavior.
This is the natural order of things.
I was a very poor example for my oldest son to follow in the beginning and I believe it has affected his level of anxiousness and social well being. He wants to be like me very badly and now I have finally realized that my behavior affects everyone around me. I am without a doubt the patriarch of my family and they all look to me to make the decisions. Even my wife to be has the ability to make choices but when I am around she can only seem to make it about one or the other. I need to put the final stamp on everything for her to feel good about what has been done. This is the natural order of things.
Some things that I want to teach my sons before they grow up and have kids on their own and how I am doing that.
- Run your own life. Be the boss and do not take being put down by anyone. This is important for freedom. With being the boss come decisions and responsibility. But you also get the rewards.
- I have started a business that I will grow to over a hundred thousand gross in the first year of business and will need to hire employees after the first year. I have acquired this by asking for money from a private investor. No bank. I have taught them that they can have what they want if they ask.
- Respect your mother and women in general.
- I show my woman the respect she deserves. I am honest with her even when it hurts her feelings and I never go out of my way to hurt her. I will stand by her decisions to discipline the children even if I don’t agree with them. We will discuss the punishments later if I do.
- Be in control of your emotions.
- I do not have huge fits of joy or of anger I show them ways that I have learnt to deal with stress and I am teaching them the power of choice.
I want for my children to become what make them happy.But more important than that they first need to know what makes them happy. This is what I am hoping to teach them.
What makesyou happy. What behavior do yo wish that your father did or taught you?