I generally feel like I don’t fit in.
I don’t watch a of T.V. shows. I don’t coach my kids in hockey. I don’t like drinking beer. I do’t really like drinking. For me it is a mind release.
This feeling makes me feel like I am special. But guess what I am not special at all. Who I am, right now is not special. I am a person without will power.I give in to my minor impulses. I eat like shit most of the time. I hide the fact that I don’t, but everyone knows.
They know I am shitty. I am impulsive. I dont pay enough attention to my children. I cannot keep a schedule. I will routinely make the same mistake over and over again even though I know I shouldn’t.
If I am special I should be wealthy, fit, and healthy. Including the healthy relationships I choose to destroy.
My actions are so shitty sometimes that even I cannot explain them. When I get anxiety or start feeling overwhelmed I usually want to quit or give up. I want not to be held to a hi expectations that I hold others to. I am not as perfect as I seem and I don’t think I can be. I also know that getting this on a screen sounds like whining and it feels like I am.
This is the truth about me. I will sabotage whatever comes good to me. I need to shift my mindset to believe I am worth it and then I can show others that they are too.